Have you ever said, "I'll feel better when...
They apologize. The diagnosis changes. I lose 20 lbs. My child is okay. The relationship improves. I have enough money. The conflict ends. I retire. I know what's going to happen."
Sometimes those things happen; sometimes they don't.
If our emotional freedom depends entirely on circumstances changing, we've made our freedom conditional on something we don't control—and that's a trap.
The Bargain We Make With Life
You may not realize it, but we often make bargains with life: I'll be okay if life gives me X, or I can't be okay while Y is happening.
That doesn't mean painful things shouldn't hurt. Life has a habit of knocking us down every so often. Sometimes life just plain hurts. Sometimes we don't get what we want, and other times, we seem to get too much of what we don't want. It may not be fair or right, but it happens anyway. The question becomes, "How do you handle it when you're not getting what you want?" Sometimes the first step is identifying where your influence still exists. I explore that in "When You Can't Change the Situation, What Can You Change?"
Mental Freedom® doesn't ask you to deny normal grief, disappointment, anger, fear, or sadness. But it does ask, "How much additional suffering am I creating by insisting reality must be different before I can regain my balance?"
Arguing with reality is a sure way to limit your Mental Freedom®. You get stuck thinking about what should have happened or how you wish things would be. That's a lot of energy spent waiting for something that may or may not come, quite possibly something you have no control over.
External Change vs. Internal Movement
Sometimes we really can change the situation, and if we want something different, we can choose to do what we can to change it. But sometimes external change isn't available yet, or perhaps won't ever be. Internal movement can still occur.
When you consider changing your relationship with the situation, you may discover that you have more influence over your Mental Freedom® than you realized. You could:
- Discover that a story you've been telling yourself may not be true
- Stop personalizing someone else's behavior
- Recognize a choice you hadn't seen earlier
- Relinquish a responsibility that isn't yours
- Set a boundary
- Accept uncertainty
- Stop judging yourself for doing your best to get what you wanted
- Recognize a limiting belief or notice when you're using victimizing language
- Allow an uncomfortable emotion to be a signal without demanding that it disappear
- Go on a hunt for the GLOW in a painful situation
Sometimes Appreciating the GLOW means deliberately looking for what remains good alongside what hurts—not to erase the pain, but to remember that pain isn't the only thing that's true.
This Is Not Positive Thinking
I'm not talking about becoming a Pollyanna, thinking only positive thoughts. Mental Freedom® doesn't ask you to convince yourself that a painful experience is wonderful or awesome. It asks, "Given that this is true, how do I want to meet it?"
You aren't replacing reality with positivity. You're working to reduce the suffering created by mentally fighting with a reality you cannot currently change.
The Freedom You Find May Be Small
When you take a step toward greater Mental Freedom®, the result isn't necessarily dramatic. Sometimes it is, but often it may be small. Mental Freedom® doesn't always arrive as, "I'm completely at peace now!"
It might simply be:
- I slept tonight.
- I didn't send the angry text.
- I stopped replaying the conversation for an hour.
- I recognized that their behavior wasn't necessarily about me.
- I let myself enjoy dinner despite the unresolved problem.
- I realized I don't have to solve this today.
Sometimes a little more freedom is enough for now. It may allow you to exhale before you even realize you've been holding your breath.
Mental Freedom® Perspective
Mental Freedom® doesn't promise control over circumstances or other people. It doesn't promise the absence of pain. It doesn't even promise you'll always use the principles when you know them.
It gives you somewhere to look when life isn't giving you what you want. It asks the question, "What freedom is still available to me here?"
The Mental Freedom® Experience is six weeks of applying these questions to the circumstances you actually find yourself in, rather than waiting for life to become easier first.
Reflection
Where might some freedom be available to you if nothing outside you changes yet?