When was the last time you checked in with yourself to consider what you really need in a given situation?
Maybe you haven't done that in a very long time. But even if you have, did you find yourself judging what you wanted? Perhaps you tried to talk yourself out of acknowledging a need because it sounded too "needy."
Maybe your internal conversation sounded something like this:
- "I shouldn't need so much time alone."
- "I shouldn't care whether anyone notices what I contribute."
- "I should be more social."
- "I shouldn't need reassurance."
- "I shouldn't want this much freedom."
But negatively judging your needs doesn't make them disappear. And refusing to acknowledge them doesn't make them any less important.
Needs Aren't Character Flaws
According to William Glasser's Choice Theory® psychology, we all have five basic needs. These aren't something to be ashamed of. They're part of being human, and satisfying them is essential to our well-being.
There's nothing selfish about wanting to experience contentment and peace by satisfying your needs, provided the behaviors you choose don't harm yourself or others.
All needs come with what I call superpowers and dark sides. The superpowers represent positive, healthy ways people satisfy their needs. The dark sides represent behaviors that may temporarily satisfy a need but create problems for themselves or others.
Most people choose the best behavior available to them at a given moment to get what they want, believing that getting it will satisfy one or more of their basic needs. There's nothing inherently good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, about having the urge to satisfy a need. That's 100 percent human.
Where things get dicey is when we don't have responsible ways to satisfy our needs and turn to behaviors that violate rules, break laws, or hurt ourselves or others.
Connection isn't inherently neediness. Freedom isn't inherently selfishness. Significance isn't inherently arrogance. Safety & Security isn't inherently cowardice. And Joy isn't inherently irresponsibility.
The behavior we choose to satisfy a need deserves evaluation. The need itself doesn't require judgment or condemnation.
Your Needs May Differ From Other People's
This brings me to something I call need strength bias.
We all have the same five basic needs, but we don't experience them with equal strength. What feels essential to one person may seem relatively unimportant to another.
When we don't understand a need that isn't particularly strong for us, the behaviors people choose to satisfy that need may seem strange, excessive, or even inappropriate. And when we don't understand something, it's easy to judge it.
For example, imagine someone with a high need for Connection who enjoys spending time with friends, frequently calls family members, and wants to share experiences with others. Someone with a low need for Connection might look at that behavior and think, Why can't they just be alone? They're so needy!
Or consider someone with a high need for Freedom who values independence, dislikes rigid schedules, and wants considerable control over how they spend their time. A person with a low need for Freedom might judge that individual as selfish, irresponsible, or unwilling to cooperate.
In both cases, the judgment comes from evaluating another person's behavior through the lens of our own need strengths. Because we don't experience the same urgency to satisfy that need, we may assume there's something wrong with the person who does. We might even attribute negative motives to their behavior without considering that they're simply trying to satisfy a need that's stronger for them than it is for us.
That's what I mean by need strength bias.
The problem isn't that our needs differ. It's that we turn those differences into judgments about another person's character or intentions.
Recognizing those differences can replace judgment with curiosity.
What Happens When We Refuse to Acknowledge a Need?
Ignoring a need doesn't make it disappear. In fact, an unmet need may become increasingly urgent, particularly when we've been denying it for a long time. As that urgency builds, we may become less thoughtful about how we attempt to satisfy it.
Think about deprivation diets. Have you ever decided you weren't going to eat carbohydrates anymore? You might manage that for quite a while, but if the restriction frustrates your needs for Freedom and Joy, and you haven't found other ways to satisfy those needs, you may eventually find yourself eating every carbohydrate in sight! And sometimes the weight you spent months losing returns in a weekend.
The problem isn't necessarily that you wanted carbohydrates. It's that your strategy for satisfying one goal may have frustrated important needs.
Something similar happens in relationships. When we repeatedly ignore our needs, we may begin resenting other people, expecting them to read our minds, or seeking indirect ways to get what we want. Sometimes we attempt to satisfy one need through behaviors that actually frustrate another. And sometimes we create stories about why we're dissatisfied without recognizing which need is asking for attention.
Our needs call for satisfaction, but they don't dictate how we satisfy them. That's where our choices matter.
Honesty Before Action
Recognizing that a need is calling for satisfaction doesn't mean you must attend to it immediately. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to take drastic action.
Recognizing that you want more Freedom doesn't automatically mean you need to leave your marriage, quit your job, or distance yourself from your family. Recognizing that you want more Connection doesn't give you permission to run out and have an affair!
Acknowledging a need is simply information. Once you recognize what's missing, you can begin considering the different ways you might satisfy that need.
Which behaviors are available to you? Which are likely to be effective? Which could create additional problems? And which are consistent with the person you most want to be?
An important part of this process is considering how your choices affect other people's opportunities to satisfy their needs. You don't have to ignore your needs to care about theirs. And you don't have to sacrifice theirs to take care of yours.
This is where personal agency becomes especially important.
You might ask someone to help you satisfy a need in a particular way. You can explain what you want and invite them to participate. But they get to choose their response. If they say no, you still have choices. You can explore other ways to satisfy that need without requiring another person to change.
Ultimately, you are responsible for satisfying your own needs. Other people can contribute, sometimes in wonderful ways, but they cannot assume that responsibility for you.
Being Honest With Yourself Is a Form of Mental Freedom
There's a difference between acknowledging what you need and demanding that the world provide it.
You can recognize that you want more Connection without insisting that someone spend more time with you. You can acknowledge your need for Significance without requiring everyone to appreciate your contributions. You can recognize your desire for Freedom without abandoning your commitments. And you can acknowledge that something is missing without criticizing yourself for wanting it.
Mental Freedom® invites you to become more aware of your needs, more thoughtful about how you satisfy them, and more responsible for the choices you make.
You don't need to judge yourself for having a need. You simply need to decide what you want to do about it.
You don't have to judge a need before deciding how to satisfy it.
If you're interested in exploring how to take better care of your own needs while continuing to consider the needs of the people important to you, I invite you to join me for the Choosing Me Now Reset, a live, three-hour Zoom workshop on November 14, from 10 AM to 1 PM Central.
Reflection
What do you know you need but keep trying to convince yourself you shouldn't?