Some people mistakenly believe that Mental Freedom® means you stop caring about what happens. That is simply untrue.
Mental Freedom® doesn't ask you to stop wanting the relationship, outcome, opportunity, justice, apology, recovery, change, or anything else that matters deeply to you.
Wanting isn't the problem. What can interfere with Mental Freedom® is what you tell yourself about getting what you want.
Challenges arise when you try to control an outcome that isn't completely within your control, or when you decide you cannot be okay unless that outcome happens.
When your well-being depends entirely on something outside your control changing, your Mental Freedom® becomes conditional.
You Can Keep Trying
Not having what you want doesn't mean you have to give up. There may still be many choices available to you. You can:
1. Ask for what you want. 2. Advocate for yourself or others. 3. Negotiate. 4. Problem-solve. 5. Try another approach. 6. Keep doing exactly what you've been doing until you decide you've had enough.
Mental Freedom® doesn't determine when persistence becomes futile. How long you continue pursuing something is your choice, and your choice alone.
The important distinction isn't whether you keep trying. It's whether your ability to be okay depends entirely on succeeding.
Mental Freedom® grew out of my decades of living Choice Theory, something I explore more fully in "What 40 Years of Choice Theory Taught Me About Mental Freedom."
Desire vs. Demand
Can I deeply desire this outcome without requiring reality to give it to me?
That question gets to the heart of Mental Freedom®.
You can deeply desire an outcome. You can tell others what you want. You can use your influence, take action, persevere, and do everything within your control to move toward it. At the same time, you can recognize that if the outcome depends on other people, circumstances, timing, or anything else outside your control, you may or may not get it.
Mental Freedom® is not about caring less. It's about learning how to remain grounded even when something you care about deeply doesn't happen the way you hoped.
If you tell yourself that one particular outcome is essential to your identity, happiness, or success, you place your well-being in the hands of something you don't control.
Acceptance Without Surrender
Acceptance concerns your relationship with present reality. You can accept that, at this particular moment, you don't have what you want without deciding that you will never have it.
Circumstances can change. You may discover another approach. You may meet someone who has information or influence that helps. You may even discover something different that satisfies you more than the outcome you were originally pursuing.
Acceptance doesn't mean giving up on tomorrow; it means no longer arguing with what is true today.
Sometimes loosening your grip on one specific picture of what you want allows you to notice possibilities you couldn't see while you were laser-focused on only one outcome.
What Can You Do in the Meantime?
While you continue pursuing what you want, three things may help you remain grounded: satisfying the underlying need in other ways, noticing the GLOW in your present circumstances, and staying flexible about how what you want might ultimately be fulfilled.
One useful question is: Which of my needs would be most satisfied if I got what I want?
Suppose what you want is an intimate relationship and you imagine that relationship satisfying your need for Connection.
While you continue wanting that relationship, you can also look for additional ways to satisfy Connection now. Those options may not satisfy the need in exactly the same way as the relationship you want, but they can help you avoid putting the entire weight of your Connection need on one future outcome.
You can also look for the GLOW in your present circumstances, particularly when not having what you want is painful. There may be gifts, lessons, opportunities, and wisdom available during this period.
Perhaps you're developing patience or perseverance. Maybe you have an opportunity to deepen friendships, volunteer at an animal shelter and spend time with some puppies, or get to know yourself better while you're single.
Finding the GLOW doesn't mean pretending you don't still want what you want. It simply reminds you that what is missing isn't the only thing that is true.
Finally, you can practice flexibility. Sometimes the picture we hold of what we want becomes so specific that we miss other ways of satisfying the underlying desire.
As circumstances unfold, you may refine what you want, discover another path toward it, or realize that something you hadn't considered could satisfy you even more.
Mental Freedom® doesn't require you to stop wanting what you want. It asks something different: Can I continue wanting this without making my peace dependent upon getting it?
Reflection
What do you deeply want right now?
Could you continue wanting it without making your peace entirely dependent upon getting it?