Before trying to eliminate a behavior or emotional response, get curious about the purpose it serves. We typically don't continue behaviors that don't work for us at least some of the time or haven't worked for us in the past.
Once we understand the purpose a behavior serves, we can look for another way to accomplish the same thing or at least meet the need it serves, perhaps with fewer unwanted consequences.
Protective/Adaptive Functions
Even behaviors we have judged as unhelpful, bad for us, or preventing us from getting what we want serve a purpose. They may help us in some way now, have helped us in the past and become habitual, or simply be the best way we currently know to get what we want, even when they don't work very well.
- Anger may create distance, signal injustice, or intimidate others into compliance.
- Worry may feel like preparation, show how much you care about others' well-being, or let others know you are scared.
- Withdrawal may protect against rejection or punish someone else.
- People-pleasing may preserve Connection and help avoid difficult conversations or setting boundaries.
- Control may create temporary Safety or help you get something you want.
For example, procrastination may protect you from the possibility of failure, temporarily preserve Freedom, or create the sense of urgency that gives you laser focus.
What Does It Cost?
Sometimes sticking with a behavior you'd like to change may be your best option initially while you work out a different solution. Something can work for you and cost you dearly at the same time.
Ask yourself:
- What does this give me?
- What does it cost me?
- Is there another way to get what I want or need with fewer unwanted consequences?
Don't Pathologize It
Once you recognize that an old behavior is no longer helpful or good for you, there can be a tendency to blame yourself for using it in the first place or to enumerate all the ways it hasn't served you.
However, the behavior may have been, or may still be, a remarkably understandable solution. It may have helped you in the past when you wanted something different, assisted you when you had no better alternative, or be helping you meet a short-term goal even though it is making a long-term goal harder to achieve.
Signal vs. Solution
One place this becomes especially important in Mental Freedom® is with painful emotions.
Mental Freedom teaches us to understand painful emotions as signals that something is happening that we don't like. This is a very good thing. Imagine what would happen if you felt no pain when you placed your hand on a hot stove!
We need these signals to help us zero in on what isn't matching what we want so we can address the situation. If it is within our power to change it, we can do what we can. If there is nothing within our power to change, we can stop arguing with the reality of what is and begin letting go of residual anger or frustration about something we cannot change.
We may also choose to leave the situation. That can happen physically, mentally, or emotionally and may include setting boundaries about what we will do if the situation persists.
Before trying to get rid of the painful signal, though, check to see whether it has also become a solution for something else. If it has, you have several choices. You might create another way to get what the pain has been providing, continue with the current response while you work toward another solution, or change what you want because what mattered before no longer matters or because you decide the cost of pursuing it is too high.
There Is No Demand to Change
Understanding the purpose and the cost does not obligate you to change. You may decide the current response is still your best available option. You may decide the benefits still outweigh the costs. Or you may decide you want something different and begin looking for another way to satisfy the same need or accomplish the same purpose.
Reflection
What have you been trying to get rid of that might first deserve your curiosity?