Maybe you're the person everyone counts on. You're capable, so when something needs doing, you do it. If someone else drops a ball, you pick it up. Sometimes it's simply easier to do something yourself than worry about whether someone else will do it, or whether they'll do it the way you would.
Or maybe no one is asking you to do all of this. You've simply become so accustomed to considering everyone else's needs that yours no longer occur to you until everything else is handled.
If you're the person everyone counts on, you may believe things will fall apart if you don't handle them yourself. You're right about one thing: things will be different if someone else does them. No one will do things exactly the way you do. However, that doesn't mean things will be worse. Sometimes a little change can actually improve the situation.
Why do you keep picking up responsibilities that aren't necessarily yours? Simple—because you can. You're capable, and it's just one more thing added to your already overflowing plate, pushing the time when you might actually do something for yourself a little further into the future.
Choosing yourself isn't putting yourself ahead of everybody else. It's including yourself among the people whose needs and wants matter.
It Happens Gradually
This erosion of your belief that you're worthy of your own care, time, and attention happens one reasonable decision at a time. Someone needs you. You're capable. It's easier if you do it. You'll get to yourself later… only later never seems to come.
Sometimes you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do. You lose your patience. You're short with people you love. You hear yourself saying things you don't particularly like hearing yourself say. You may even feel as though you're watching yourself behave in ways that don't align with the person you want to be.
But Being Needed Feels So Good
Doing things for others can be quite need-satisfying, particularly for those of us with high needs for Connection, like me.
Helping others can satisfy our need for Connection. Being the dependable one can make us feel valuable, competent, and important, satisfying our need for Significance. Sometimes Safety & Security enters the picture, too, especially when we're helping people who have some influence over our livelihood, like our bosses.
Putting yourself last isn't necessarily selfless. It may be satisfying important needs for you, too.
That doesn't mean helping others is wrong. It simply means there may be more going on than you've considered.
Who Gets Considered?
When you do things for others before even imagining doing something for yourself, who makes the list? There are spouses, children, sometimes grandchildren, aging parents, and sometimes grandparents. There are friends, people at your place of worship or in your community, employees, employers, and clients, if you have them.
I'm guessing the list could go on.
Where are you on that list? When do you get to make the cut? Maybe those questions don't even get answered because they never get asked. You don't necessarily need more time for yourself. You need to become one of the people whose wants and needs enter the decision-making process. That includes the choices you make about your work and whether it's helping you create the life you want.
Maybe we put ourselves last because we don't think we deserve anything different. Or maybe we believe we're so strong that we can go without longer than anyone else. Perhaps you believe you'll get around to doing something for yourself someday.
When was the last time you did something simply because you wanted to? Oh, right. It was back in 2007, before you got married and had kids.
Don't Confuse Choosing Yourself with Choosing Against Others
You don't have to come first every time. You just need to make the list. Too often, when we're high achievers, we tell ourselves a story that goes something like this: If I prioritize myself, I'll have to let down the people I care about.
Sometimes that will be true. People might be disappointed. Sometimes there's a both/and solution we haven't considered. And sometimes choosing something for ourselves really will disappoint someone we love.
The goal isn't to make sure no one is ever disappointed. It's to stop treating their disappointment as automatic evidence that our wants shouldn't count.
Responsibility Isn't the Same as Self-Abandonment
At what point does being responsible to everyone else mean never being responsible to yourself? You may not consciously tell yourself that everyone else's needs matter more than yours, but somewhere along the way, you may have started living as though they do.
Of course, we have legitimate responsibilities. Children need care. Commitments matter. People depend on us. Choosing yourself doesn't mean abandoning those responsibilities whenever something more enjoyable comes along. But being responsible to others doesn't require continually leaving yourself out.
You don't have to give up the people you care about to make room for yourself. This is at the heart of what I wrote about in my book, Choosing Me Now. It's not about choosing yourself instead of the people you love. It's about learning to include yourself among them. You can begin by considering what you want, even when you ultimately decide to do something else. Try this little self-evaluation exercise.
First, ask yourself: What do I want?
Separate identifying your desire from deciding what you'll actually do about it. Even when you're perfectly clear about what you want, you aren't obligated to choose it.
Then consider these questions:
- What do I want?
- What do others want?
- What have I committed to?
- What choice am I most satisfied making?
You might discover that you want something different from what you ultimately choose. That's okay. The important difference is that you included yourself in the decision rather than automatically excluding yourself.
A Choosing Me Now Reset
With the holidays approaching, a season when many women become even more practiced at making sure everyone else has what they need, I'm offering a three-hour Choosing Me Now Reset on Saturday, November 14, 2026, from 10 AM to 1 PM Central time.
Participants will have an opportunity to step away from their usual responsibilities and gain greater clarity about what they need, what may be out of alignment, and the choices still available to them. They'll also identify practical ways to begin creating a healthier, more loving relationship with themselves long after our three hours together are over.
Choosing yourself doesn't require putting yourself ahead of everyone else. It means refusing to keep leaving yourself out.
Reflection
When you make decisions about your life, are you one of the people you consider?