We've All Given Advice That Didn't Work
Have you ever noticed that often when we give advice, people ignore it — or do the exact opposite? That can be frustrating for the person you're trying to help. They may not have wanted advice at all. They may have simply wanted to be heard, or just supported in thinking things through so they could make their own decision. And if you're honest, you may feel frustrated too when you take the time to help and your advice isn't followed.
You can read more about how to stop taking things personally.
Good advice often fails. People don't change because they're told what to do. They change when they see it for themselves.
Why Advice Feels Like It Should Work
It's easy to believe that advice should work. After all, it's logical, clear, and it's worked well for you. The problem is that people don't operate on logic alone.
Why Advice Actually Fails
Advice often fails because people have a strong desire to do things their own way and to be in charge of decisions that affect their lives. This is called agency. People want to choose for themselves.
In addition, people are always acting to get their own needs met. A solution that works for you may not match the internal world of the person you're talking with. And when an idea isn't theirs, they're far more likely to reject it.
The Illusion of Control
There are several reasons we might offer advice:
- It can meet a need for Significance — helping someone solve a problem can feel meaningful and important.
- It's efficient. Telling someone what to do is faster than helping them think it through.
- It reduces discomfort, both yours and theirs.
But advice can easily become a subtle form of control. You can explore this more in Why Trying to Control Other People Is Exhausting.
There's also a practical problem — it's a game you can't win:
- If your advice works, the other person may become dependent on you.
- If it doesn't, you may end up shouldering the blame.
The Mental Freedom® Shift
Instead of saying, *"Here's what you should do,"* shift to, *"What do you want?"* or *"What options do you see?"*
This creates space for people to take responsibility for their own thinking, evaluate their options, and choose what feels right to them. You can explore this further in Responsibility vs. Response-ability.
Awareness vs. Advice
There's a significant difference between advice and awareness.
Advice comes from the outside and tells a capable adult what to do. Awareness comes from inside and allows the person to choose the response they believe will work best.
Awareness creates ownership. Ownership creates change. Ownership — not instruction — is what creates lasting change.
Why Awareness Works
Awareness plus action leads to change because it:
- Aligns with the individual's personal needs
- Increases clarity
- Builds responsibility
Advice tells people what to do; awareness helps them choose what's right for them.
Coaching Connection
This is why structured experiences that focus on awareness and reflection are often more effective than advice alone. Coaches ask questions, reflect back what they hear, and support people in taking ownership of their solutions.
This is the foundation of the Mental Freedom® Experience. If this interests you, you can learn more in What Is Mental Freedom®?
**Reflection:** Where might you be offering advice when helping someone think would be more effective?