Sometimes our suffering doesn't come from wondering whether we're right. It comes from being absolutely convinced that we are.
We believe we know the facts. We know what happened. We know what someone said or did. We know an agreement wasn't kept, a boundary was crossed, or something unfair happened.
And we may be right.
The problem isn't necessarily being right. The problem can begin when our ability to be all right and find peace becomes dependent on someone else acknowledging that we're right.
We may want them to admit what they did. Apologize. Understand how much it hurt. Change their behavior. Repair the damage. Finally see the situation the way we see it.
Those are understandable wants.
But just because you're right doesn't mean you can control the response you crave from someone else.
Being Right Can Be Useful Information
Being right may help you decide what you want to do next.
You might set a boundary, leave a relationship, advocate for yourself or someone else, seek restitution, pursue a legal remedy, allow natural consequences to unfold, or take some other action within your control.
Being right isn't irrelevant.
But being right and getting the response you want from another person are two different things.
You can be right and still not receive the apology.
You can be right and still not be understood.
You can be right and still have someone remember the situation differently.
You can be right and still have the other person refuse to change.
That's where being right can become miserable.
The First Struggle and the Second Struggle
There is often a first struggle and a second struggle.
The first struggle is what actually happened. Someone betrayed you, lied to you, cheated financially, treated you unfairly, broke an agreement, disappointed you, or violated something important to you.
That can hurt. Mental Freedom® doesn't ask you to pretend otherwise.
The second struggle is what we add:
- This shouldn't have happened.
- They should admit what they did.
- They should understand why I'm upset.
- They should apologize.
- They should make this right.
- I won't be okay until they do.
This second struggle is where we can create a great deal of unnecessary suffering for ourselves.
Two Mental Freedom principles are particularly useful here: Rewriting the Stories in Our Heads and the Unconditional Trust Challenge.
What If It Wasn't About You?
One reason I have relatively few stories I tell myself about people who have wronged me is that I use the Unconditional Trust Challenge.
This doesn't mean I believe people never intentionally hurt one another. Sometimes they absolutely do. Someone may deliberately say or do something specifically because they know it will hurt you.
I still remind myself that they did what they did for themselves, not to me.
Even when the impact was intentionally directed at me, their behavior was still rooted in something they wanted or needed in that moment. Perhaps they wanted to punish me, protect themselves, regain a sense of control, prove a point, get even, or make sure I understood how angry they were.
That doesn't make the behavior okay. It doesn't minimize its impact, eliminate accountability, or mean I need to continue allowing that person access to me.
It simply helps me de-personalize the behavior. Their choice tells me something about what was happening inside them. I don't have to turn it into a statement about my worth.
Understanding Isn't Agreement
Suppose someone made an agreement with you and didn't keep it.
You can recognize that the agreement wasn't kept while also understanding that, at some point, something else became more important to that person than honoring the agreement.
You don't have to like their choice.
You don't have to continue making agreements with them.
You don't have to pretend their decision didn't affect you.
And you can still believe they were wrong.
Understanding what may have driven their choice doesn't require you to agree with it or surrender your own perception of what happened.
Mental Freedom® Doesn't Eliminate the First Struggle
If someone betrays you, lies to you, cheats you financially, treats you unfairly, or violates an important agreement, you may experience grief, anger, disappointment, or a loss of trust.
You may have decisions to make.
Mental Freedom® doesn't promise to eliminate any of that.
The question is whether you also want the additional suffering that can come from requiring reality, or another person, to be different before you can regain your equilibrium.
Acceptance Doesn't Mean Doing Nothing
Accepting that someone isn't going to acknowledge what they did doesn't mean you stop responding to it.
- You can advocate for yourself.
- You can establish boundaries.
- You can seek restitution.
- You can pursue a legal remedy.
- You can end contact.
- You can allow natural or previously established consequences to occur.
- You can decide whether repair is possible or whether you even want it.
Acceptance changes your relationship with reality. It doesn't determine what action you take next.
Being right may help you understand what happened. It may clarify your values, tell you where you need a boundary, help you decide whether you want to continue a relationship, or inform what accountability or repair would look like.
What it cannot do is make another person agree with you, apologize, understand, change, or give you closure.
So I ask myself a different question:
Given that I believe I'm right, what do I want to do with that information?
That answer is 100% my responsibility.
What Are You Waiting for Them to Give You?
Sometimes it can help to ask: What part of what I'm waiting for can I give myself?
You cannot manufacture someone else's apology.
But you can know that your experience was real.
You can decide that something violated your values.
You can acknowledge that you were hurt.
You can determine what boundary you want now.
You can decide that someone no longer gets the same access to you.
You don't need their agreement before making those choices.
That's Mental Freedom® right there!
You Can Still Believe You're Right
Acceptance doesn't require you to say, "Maybe I was wrong."
It doesn't require you to agree with the other person's version of events.
It doesn't require you to stop wanting an apology, accountability, repair, or change.
It means acknowledging what is true right now.
Perhaps there is no apology.
Perhaps they remember the situation differently.
Perhaps they are unwilling to repair the relationship.
Perhaps you still believe you're right.
And perhaps you can stop requiring any of that to be different before you allow yourself some peace.
Acceptance doesn't mean giving up on tomorrow. It means no longer arguing with what is true today.
You can still speak your truth.
You can still make decisions based on what you believe happened.
You can still protect what matters to you.
You don't have to give up your truth to stop fighting for someone else's agreement with it.
Being right may matter. Sometimes it matters a great deal.
Mental Freedom® simply asks whether your ability to be okay should remain dependent on receiving something another person may never provide.
There's another side to being right, too: what happens when proving you're right begins interfering with what you actually want? I explore that in "The Problem With Being Right."
Reflection
What peace might become available if you no longer needed someone else to agree that you were right?