People naturally want to be seen, heard, and understood. Yet when we want to influence someone, our instinct is often to explain our position, defend our viewpoint, or convince them why they're wrong.
Ironically, the faster we try to change someone's mind, the less likely they are to listen.
Understanding isn't the reward for influence, it's where influence begins.
Listening
Many people have come to believe that listening is simply hearing with their ears what others are saying. I encourage people to raise the bar by not just listening to hear the words, but to understand the other person's experience as fully as possible.
Listening isn't just waiting for your turn to talk or collecting evidence for your rebuttal. While listening, you might even consider, "What is this person trying to accomplish? What need are they trying to meet?"
Most people don't resist because they enjoy conflict. They're usually trying to meet one or more of their basic needs.
Understanding
Understanding another person doesn't mean you must agree with their perspective. If you'd like to explore this distinction further, read Awareness Is Not the Same as Agreement. Once you stop trying to make someone right and the other person wrong, there is room for differing perspectives without animosity.
You can understand someone's fears without sharing them. You can understand someone's reasoning without adopting it. You can understand someone's motives without approving of their behavior.
I was working with a couple with the dynamic of an introverted husband who was high in Freedom with an extroverted wife high in Connection. During our time of working together, the wife came to begrudgingly understand that her husband needed time without her to appreciate coming back to her, and he wanted to protect his own agency in decision making, especially about his own behavior.
Trying to honor his need for time alone, she suggested he take a day away to do something he would enjoy, and he suggested an activity she thought he would want. Her gesture was well intentioned. Instead of feeling understood, he felt controlled. It was the last thing he wanted to do because he perceived that she was telling him to do it, even though he knew it would be a good thing for him to do. The wife had listened. She had even begun to understand. But she missed one critical piece about him needing to make his own decisions and retain his own agency.
Understanding says, "I see why this makes sense to you." Agreement says, "I think you're right." Those are not the same thing.
Understanding doesn't guarantee influence, but influence rarely happens without it.
Trust
Trust develops when people consistently experience respect. People are much more willing to consider another perspective when they don't feel judged.
Trust doesn't eliminate disagreement; it creates safety within disagreement.
For example, I have several friends and family members who are politically conservative. I am quite liberal. We can have political conversations about what we see as different without having arguments because underneath our differences lies an abundance of trust and respect. We genuinely want to understand each other without getting the other person to see the world the same way we do. When people trust that they won't be judged or pressured, they're much more willing to stay in the conversation, even when they disagree.
Choice
People rarely change because someone else pushed hard enough. They change when something inside them shifts and they decide a different path serves them better. You can't "make" people change. What you can do is create the conditions where change becomes more attractive than staying the same. That's why thoughtful questions are often more influential than advice. Questions invite people to reach their own conclusions, and people are far more likely to act on ideas they believe are their own. People resist imposed conclusions. They own discovered ones.
Questions that help people reach their own conclusions are one of the foundations of The Art of Conscious Influence & Impact.
Pulling It Together
Listening builds understanding. Understanding builds trust. Trust creates openness. Openness makes influence possible.
Trying to skip those steps usually creates resistance instead.
Choice Theory® reminds us that lasting change always comes from within. We can provide information, ask thoughtful questions, and build trusting relationships, but every person ultimately decides what they believe, how they behave, and whether or not they will change.
If you remember only one thing from this article, remember this: Understanding doesn't guarantee influence, but influence rarely happens without it.
Reflection
Who in your life would respond differently if they felt more understood? What would happen if your next conversation began with curiosity instead of persuasion?
**Continue Learning:** If you'd like to explore what respectful conversations across political differences can look like, listen to my conversation with Mike Corey on *Can We Talk? Bridging Political Divides with Respect and Curiosity*.